Chesterfield Counselling

FAQ's and Articles

What can you expect?
I offer a free half hour to give us the opportunity to get to know each other a little better. It is to allow us both to get the information needed to make a decision if we wish to work together. I also use the time to explain a more about the way I work and approach I use.

How long will I need counselling or therapy for?
This is likely to depend on the reason you are coming for counselling and depends on many different factors. For many people the issues that they bring can be resolved in a few months, for others who are experiencing difficulties that may have their roots in the past the process may take considerably longer.

Do I have to talk about painful experiences?
You can dictate the pace of your therapy and only tell me things when you are ready. It is fine to take as long as you need. Many people come to counselling without a clear idea of what they want and that is fine too. It is quite normal to need to take time to explore why you are here and what you want from the process.

What is Transactional Analysis?
Transactional Analysis is a type of therapy or counselling that is based on a belief that everyone has the ability to learn and change and that individuals are ultimately responsible for their own behaviour, thoughts and feelings. Along with this we work contractually which means that I will work with you to help you identify what you want from counselling and therapy and this will be our aims and goals. I will also share ideas about the therapy so that you can take an active part in the work we do together.

What is Eco psychology?
Eco psychology is essentially about three things. It is about our response to the impact of climate change, about our behaviour in response to the issue and finally it is about our connection to the natural world and how this can influence and heal us.

Articles

Time for a Change? - New Year's Resolutions>

New Year brings special focus to the things in our lives we want to change or enhance. There is, of course, nothing stopping us making those changes at any time of year, but December 31st sees many of us making New Year resolutions. Anything from losing weight, stopping smoking or other major life changes like finding a new career, or starting a relationship. However, a few weeks on we can often see many of those good intentions lying by the wayside, finding us back where we were, with the added disappointment of having tried and not achieved what we wanted. Here are some thoughts and ideas for bringing more permanent change into your life at whatever time of year.

Use positive language.
Remember the old joke about “Don't see a purple elephant with pink spots”? As you read that line I expect that many of you will have had to create an image in your mind of a purple elephant with pink spots, to then realise that you were asked to not see it. Well in putting together your resolution or goal the same principle applies. Positive language is important because saying “Stop getting stressed ” or “Lose weight” just focuses on the very behaviour we want to change, “Take time to relax three times a week by listening to music” or “Be a specific weight or clothes size by the summer” are resolutions that are positive and have a greater chance of success. Write down your goals and resolutions and remind yourself every day.

Be realistic, safe and achievable.
Give yourself a time scale that you want to achieve your resolution or goal by. Be sure it is safe for you by thinking if someone like you has ever done this before. Setting yourself a major life changing resolution? Break it down into smaller steps so, as you meet each one, you get a sense of achievement.

Get support.
Talk to your friends and supporters. Get them involved, especially if it is a tough or long term goal that you want to achieve. Tell people exactly how you want them to support you. It may be that you want to be able to call them to celebrate a success or to talk when it gets particularly difficult. You may not need advice, just someone to be there.

See yourself achieving.
Take time to imagine what it will be like for you when you have achieved this goal. Create a strong visual image of how you will feel when you have achieved this change by seeing yourself doing it. Hear the sounds around you, what will others be saying to you when you achieved this resolution? What other sounds will you hear? Use all your five senses in creating the image? Think how will others will see you behaving?

Plan to succeed.
Think about how you might stop yourself achieving what you want. Put things in place to make sure this does not happen. Then, when you have done that, think again about how else you might stop yourself! Plan for that as well. And remember, if your resolution slips one day, it is only one day and tomorrow you can be back focussed on your goal. Be kind to yourself if this happens, making changes in our lives takes effort and focus and sometimes is not easy.

Celebrate.
Plan mini celebrations along the way as milestones in your success, they don't have to be big or expensive, but something meaningful and enjoyable for you. And of course, a big celebration on finally achieving your goal.

So, for lots of people New Year is one of the times when we review our lives, question if we are getting what we want from life and if there are things to change or do differently. It is possible to make these kinds of changes at any time in your life, not just on December 31st..

A Stress-Free Summer?

In just a few weeks the long summer holidays begin. Will it be a time of fun in the sun or a stress ridden nightmare with the kids hanging around the house driving themselves - and you - up the wall?

What is stress?
Why do we feel stressed? Stress has its basis in ancient instincts for self preservation – the flight or fight mechanism. The body prepares to defend itself, so increases heart and blood pressure rates, breathing and glucose levels amongst others. Thankfully, modern life does not present us with many situations where we need to run away before being eaten by a sabre toothed tiger but the mechanism still remains. Periods of stress can result in tiredness or difficulties in sleeping, muscle tension, headaches, difficulties in concentrating, worrying, impatience and irritability. However, research into the effects of stress has shown that people who are experiencing something positive at the same time as a stressful event can find it has less impact. The level of stress is also dictated by how the person views an event. So, doing something enjoyable and changing your perspective can reduce your stress levels.

How do you keep your sanity and have a summer that is as stress free as possible? Here are a few ideas on how to make this summer holiday more fun for the kids and you.

Realistic Expectations
Be realistic in your expectations of your family and yourself. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, after all, it is part of being human. Be aware of your inner dialogue – what internal messages are you saying to yourself? For example, it might be helpful to change negative messages to positive, such as –“ I am easy going, calm and relaxed.” Have someone to talk to and share your concerns, difficulties and successes. And make sure that you reward yourself for being relaxed and calm.

Ground Rules
Agree the ground rules with your partner or with yourself. Discuss these with the kids, involve them in the decision making process and get their agreement. Make it clear what you want. Tidy rooms, no stuff left all over the house, what time to be home, how much TV and computer time etc and in return they get some of what they want. Set the consequences for not keeping to the agreements. Make those consequences something that mean something to each child and that is appropriate for their age. Remember to praise the behaviour that you want.

Have fun and relax
Have fun together by spending time as a family doing things. As well as all of the things to do that cost money there are lots of things to do that cost very little. Here are a few you may like to try:
go to the park and have a picnic,
make food together - pizzas, cake or biscuits,
play music and dance together,
play board games or cards

or organise a game of rounders or cricket or just get out into the fresh air as anything involving exercise produces a “feel-good” factor in you and kids, and tires them out! You will have plenty of your own ideas, and so will your friends, so get together and put them into practice.

Most importantly give yourself permission and make time to relax. This might mean anything from a quiet coffee and magazine to time exercising, taking long bubble baths or even time chatting with friends and connecting with people.

Following some of these suggestions may mean changing the way you do things but starting with a few small steps is more likely to succeed than big steps that are more challenging. And as with learning anything new it takes time and repetition, so why not start planning how to have a less stressed summer now.

How to get the Romantic Valentines Day you have always wanted!

How many of us have dreams of a romantic evening with a loved one doing all the things we most enjoy? And how many of us have ended up with a bunch of wilting flowers from the local petrol station, a box of your least favourite chocolates and drink at the local if you are lucky?

This year here are some simple tips that may help you make this Valentines Day one to remember.

Negotiate and compromise....
Check out that your loved one wants to celebrate St Valentines Day, and let them know why it is important to you to celebrate. If their ideas on what to do are very different from yours you may need to negotiate a compromise around this. For example you may decide to celebrate this year and not next. Or agree to do something or go somewhere with your partner that is important for them. Acknowledge and recognise the compromise they have made.

What is romance?
What do you expect from your partner or loved one and yourself? Are your expectations realistic? The place of romantic love in a relationship can vary tremendously depending on the background, upbringing and culture of the people involved. One person's idea of romance is not the same as another's. Find out from your partner or loved one exactly what their idea of romance is and what they would like to do. Make sure they know what you want too. Respect their right to want something different from you.

There is no telepathy!
Listen to their ideas and wants. See if you can really understand their point of view, test out seeing the world through their eyes. And remember, most people cannot read minds nor are they telepathic, as we learn how to please people from experience. No matter how long you have been in a relationship the chances are that unless you tell your partner what you want they will not know. So be specific. If you want flowers or chocolates tell them what sort, how many, the colour. If you want a hug, let them know how you like to be held and how long for. For some people asking for what they want or letting people know they have a need can be difficult. They may have learnt at some point that it is not okay to ask, or feel scared and vulnerable in letting others know they have needs too. Well, it is okay to ask and it is okay to have needs, this Valentines Day go ahead and ask for the romantic day you want.